How to Have an Orgasm: A Step by Step Guide for Women
Welcome to the Sensate Health blog! While I am a physician, this blog is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice or a doctor-patient relationship. Please see your healthcare provider for any medical concerns.
Note on language: I use the term “women” for this article because the research that I’m citing focused on cis-women. That being said, the suggestions in this article should be useful for anyone with a vulva.
Orgasms have a tendency to be a bit elusive for women. Dr. Laurie Mintz, psychologist and author of the excellent book Becoming Cliterate, cites a survey where 91% of men reported usually or always orgasming during partnered sex, whereas only 39% of women reported the same. I think we can all agree that’s a huge difference. An important clue in the etiology of this gap is found in the sexual experiences of bisexual women: in first time hookups, 68% orgasmed with a female partner versus 7% with a male partner. As it turns out, penetration alone is insufficient for most women - Dr. Mintz reports 96% of women need clitoral stimulation in order to experience orgasm during sex. While women’s rates of orgasm do increase in the context of a long-term relationship, the orgasm gap is still significant and has roots in our lack of education about female pleasure, specifically the importance of the clitoris.
To illustrate the confusing messages, everywhere you look in the media, from rom-coms to hardcore porn, women are shown having effortless orgasms from about 10 seconds of thrusting and no clitoral stimulation. Understandably, if you see this depicted over and over again, you might start to believe this is the norm and that there must be something wrong with you if you don’t experience orgasm this way. This may be reinforced by sexual experiences with partners, who are perplexed when what has seemingly worked for other partners isn’t working for you (of note, Dr. Mintz states that 70% of women report having faked orgasms).
Many women find themselves searching for the perfect partner who will “give” them an orgasm or “make” them orgasm. Well, I have some great news. The person who is going to help you experience that earth-shattering orgasm is you. Legendary sex educator Betty Dodson promoted the mantra of “taking responsibility for your own orgasm,” and it has the potential to revolutionize your sex life. If your goal is to orgasm during sex with a partner, don’t worry - we’ll get there. But you have to start by knowing yourself first. In this article, I’ll show you four steps that will help you do just that.
Step 1: Get to Know Your Anatomy
The first step to having an orgasm is learning about your own anatomy. Set aside some time where you’re relaxed and undistracted, sit down in a comfortable position with your legs apart, and use a mirror or selfie mode on your phone to get acquainted with your vulva. This article from Planned Parenthood has some illustrations that you can reference. The key parts you’ll want to identify are the mons, the clitoral hood (the covering over the clitoral head), the clitoral glans (the head of the clitoris beneath the hood), the inner and outer labia, the urethra, and the vaginal opening. If you’re worried that what you’re seeing isn’t “normal,” check out all-vulvas-are-beautiful.com for illustrations showing that vulvas come in all shapes, colors, and sizes.
While you’re learning about anatomy, be sure to check out the model of the internal parts of the clitoris. Many people think that the clitoral head or glans is all there is to the clitoris, but it’s actually an extensive internal organ that has a shaft extending up towards the mons and bulbs that extend down and around the vaginal canal. Because stimulation of the clitoris can occur through the vaginal walls without touching the glans, some people make the argument that “vaginal orgasms” that occur without stimulation of the clitoral head still actually originate in the clitoris! The clitoris is the only organ that exists exclusively for pleasure, and if we want to close the orgasm gap, we have to shift our focus from the vagina to the clitoris.
Speaking of which, the language we use to describe anatomy is also really important. Many people mistakenly use the term “vagina” when they actually mean “vulva.” Vulva is the term that incorporates all of the external anatomy. While some may say this is just semantics, reducing all of the amazing parts down there to just the vaginal canal creates an emphasis on female anatomy as merely a receptacle for penetration (hence the orgasm gap) rather than an array of pleasurable parts. That being said, the vagina can also be a great source of pleasure. So if you’re curious to explore a little further, go ahead and insert a lubricated finger into your vagina. You may notice that the outer third is more sensitive to touch, whereas the inner two thirds are more sensitive to pressure.
Step 2: Show Your Body Some Love
There are two broad categories I consider when talking about our relationship with our bodies: 1) how we feel about our bodies and 2) how our bodies feel. In order to help you tap into the full amount of pleasure your body is capable of, we’re going to address both. It probably goes without saying, but society has placed a ton of pressure on women to have the perfect bodies, and these negative messages of not being good enough can really get in the way when you’re trying to experience pleasure.
To counter these thoughts and cultivate some body positivity, I recommend an exercise from Emily Nagoski, author of another excellent book called Come As You Are. She suggests standing naked in front of a full-length mirror every day and naming all of the things that you like about your body. For some, finding things that you like may be difficult at first, but I encourage you to keep an open mind and keep coming back every day. You may find over time that you not only find more things that you like about your body, but that you also develop more compassion for yourself in the process.
Next, I recommend helping your body feel better with some personal care. Whether it’s going for a walk, dancing to an exercise video, or hitting your local gym, doing something physically active is not only good for your health - it releases mood-boosting endorphins as well. Once you’re ready to move onto the next step of actually exploring your own pleasure, I suggest doing something sensual for yourself first. Take a bath or shower by candlelight and, after gently patting dry with a towel, apply lotion all over your body. While some might choose to unwind with a glass of wine or other drink of choice, alcohol is a depressant and can interfere with your ability to experience orgasm, so I recommend skipping it.
Step 3: Orgasm Happens in the Brain
Orgasm is a function of the autonomic nervous system, which means it’s not completely under your control. You can create the ideal conditions for it, but you can’t force it to happen. Think of it as a slightly different take on “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” One of the most important ways you can set yourself up for enjoyment is to view this as an exploration - be curious and seek out what feels pleasurable rather than making orgasm the goal. The more pressure you place on yourself, the harder it will be to enjoy the experience. Speaking of pressure, if there are to-dos on your mind, take a moment to address those first (do the dishes or change the sheets if they’re bothering you) and then set all your other thoughts on a mental shelf to pick up again when you’re done.
You may also want to consider what you’d like to focus your mind on while you’re exploring pleasure. While fantasy or erotic material - whether books, audio, or ethical/ feminist porn - can be great at fueling arousal, once you start experimenting with stimulation I encourage you to spend at least part of the time focusing just on your sensations. As you discover what you like and find that the stimulation becomes more intuitive, adding some fantasy to your self-pleasuring time is a perfectly healthy way to enhance your enjoyment.
Step 4: Explore Sensations
If you’ve been wondering when I would get to the actual “how-to” of pleasuring yourself, your wait is finally over. Since I’m obsessed with statistics and can’t help myself, I’m going to start with some information about other women’s preferences from a study called the Hite Report, because there is power in sharing experiences and normalizing the similarities and differences.
73% of women use clitoral stimulation while lying on their back
11% use a combination of these methods
5.5% use clitoral stimulation while lying on their stomach
4% provide clitoral stimulation by humping a cushion or other object
3% rub their thighs together
2% provide clitoral stimulation with running water
1.5% use vaginal penetration alone
The positions that involved clitoral stimulation sometimes included vaginal penetration as well, but notice that the clitoris is the main event! If you don’t see your preferences represented here, that’s okay too. This isn’t meant to be a prescription but rather an illustration that there are multiple ways to find pleasure. And if you’re not sure what to do, providing clitoral stimulation while lying on your back is a good place to start.
Once you’ve followed the preceding tips and have found a time where you can be relaxed and uninterrupted, lie back and explore. Don’t forget to use lubricant - many women will find that touch is uncomfortable without it. Gently massage your clitoris and labia and take your time experimenting with different motions, levels of pressure, and positions:
Touch directly on your clitoral hood or off to the side (some women have a preferred side)
Massage the clitoral shaft and mons
Use one finger, multiple fingers, or your palm
Do a circular motion versus a tapping motion
Experiment with both light and deep pressure
Rock your pelvis back and forth as you explore
In the course of touching, many women will find a preferred sensation and continue with that, possibly increasing the speed or pressure of the movement until orgasm occurs. The orgasm itself should feel like a release of tension with pleasurable contractions. If you’re not sure if you’ve had one, you probably haven’t yet.
Most of the time, the lack of an orgasm is due to mental distractions, insufficient stimulation, or insufficient time (be patient - it will probably take longer than you think!). Try different positions and add additional stimulation - pull up on the mons, tug on your inner lips, stimulate your nipples, squeeze your pelvic floor muscles (Kegel exercises), or add vaginal or anal penetration with your fingers or a toy (don’t forget the lube!). Some women find pressure on the front wall of the vagina to be particularly pleasurable - just apply pressure upwards towards the ceiling if you’re lying on your back. You can also vary your breathing from slow, deep breaths to quick, shallow breaths, or try holding your breath in short spurts. Breathing is a rare function that is under both conscious and autonomic control, so consider it a bridge to the autonomic world, which as I mentioned earlier is what controls our orgasmic response. Even acting like you’re going to have an orgasm by moaning and changing your breathing can sometimes tip you over the edge!
You can also use a vibrator with water-based lubricant to increase the intensity of clitoral stimulation. Vibrator addiction is a myth - the reason women who use them tend to like them so much is because they’re effective! According to Dr. Laurie Mintz, women who use vibrators have easier and more frequent orgasms both alone and with partners. If you’re new to trying vibrators, a bullet vibrator is a great option. Lastly, if you want demonstrations or recommendations on different clitoral stimulation techniques, you can check out OMGYES.com, which features real women providing education on how they self-pleasure.
If you’re still experiencing difficulty with orgasm after trying the above steps, I recommend scheduling a consultation with a sex therapist or coach who can perform an assessment and provide recommendations. At the time of this publication, I’m offering free 15 minute consultations which can be scheduled here. If you are on over-the-counter or prescription medications that can interfere with orgasm, this should also be addressed with a trusted healthcare provider.
Summary
I hope you’ve enjoyed this exploration of pleasure. Women have experienced an orgasm gap for far too long, and it’s time to change this through pleasure-positive, clitoris-centered sex education. If you learned something helpful from this article, please pass it along to others who you think would also benefit from this information, and let’s keep the conversation going. Stay tuned for a future article on how to take what you’ve learned here and apply it to having orgasms during sex with a partner.
Step 1: Get to know your anatomy
Anatomy of the vulva, not vagina
There’s more to the clitoris than meets the eye
Step 2: Show your body some love
How you feel about your body
Body positivity exercise
How your body feels
Physical activity
Sensual self-care
Step 3: Orgasm happens in the brain
Curious exploration, not goal-oriented
Put your to-dos on a mental shelf
May use fantasy/ erotica for arousal but also tune into sensations
Step 4:
Most common way to self-pleasure is clitoral stimulation while lying on your back
Experiment with different variations
Add additional stimulation
Lack of orgasm is usually due to distraction, insufficient stimulation, or insufficient time
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